The Lawbey of the Starry Moose enacted the Weights & Measures Act this afternoon, passing into law a plethora of new Glastieven units—so many that it might be a while before we are at ease with them all!
The partial de-metrication of Glastieve in favour of more humanistic and grounded units of measurement is part of the attempt in the Three Themes and Ten Policies to give Glastieve stronger Glastieven vibes.
The theme of Herblore and Cuisine is well served by new culinary units. 500 grammes or a pint of liquid (500 millilitres) is set as the base amount. At one-sixteenth of the base is the "glug", equivalent to about two tablespoons of liquid; smaller than the glug is the "slosh", the amount of liquid poured by inclination of the hand for about a second, and smaller still is the "dash". Three oven temperatures are defined: "cold" (about 100 degrees); "standard" (200 or 180 fan); and "hot" (as hot as it goes). A troika of garlic is defined as three to four cloves.
Standard servings of carbohydrates are also defined: one "carbload" means a fifth of a base of pasta; three twentieths of a base of rice; three slices of toast; a single jacket potato; five small potatoes or roasties; or 27 Spoons chips.
Moving from the kitchen to the world of travel, the new standard unit of walking-distance is the "league", which is each city's vibes-based equivalent to the distance from the First and Last to Town in Exeter. The shortest local definition of the league is in Cambridge, where it is about 0.8 miles, and the longest local definition is in Oxford, where it is 1.3 miles.
The distances between towns are measured in Okehamptons, or blocks of 40 minutes' drive (about 20 miles). Thirsk to York is almost exactly 1 Oke. Exeter to London is more like 6 Oke. There are also units of area - the self-explanatory Exeter and Barton, and one for room capacity, the Ducks, equivalent to the human occupation capacity multiplied by four.
The Act goes on to suggest ten names for times of day and night to encourage events to be planned in a more chill way without resorting to unnecessarily pedantic or strict timings - an attempt to resist a historical trend known as "time-discipline" and return to a vaguer and more relaxed mediaeval approach to times of day.
The first part of the day after waking up - for browsing social media in bed and getting ready - is known as Daybreak. For some people, this will start as early as 7:00 am - for Clarence it begins at 10 am. Robert reports that his daybreak begins at more like 2 pm.
For many people, Daybreak is followed by Truemorn, the span of time between breakfast and lunch, or between getting on with things and noon.
Next is Mezínutá (pronounced maze-in-oota): the period in the middle of the day between noon and about 2 or 3 pm. This is when most people will eat lunch.
After lunch comes the Ándémez - the main body of the afternoon. Some people might think of this as the main body of the afternoon; for others it might be late afternoon. But for everyone except Their Holinesses Kerry and Freyr it is roughly equivalent to the time between lunch and dinner (the Keeper and the First First Enby prefer to eat at more like 8 or 9 pm).
After the Ándémez is the early evening. It could be from about 5 to 8, but the real definition is that it comes after the main core of the day but still has the potential for non-nightlife activities, like going to meetings or clubs.
When one is finally either at home relaxing or on a night out, one has passed from early evening to late evening. The time will vary with the individual! The Gathering has been officially rescheduled to begin in "late evening" rather than with a clock-time, so turning up when it feels natural to you no longer means being early or late. On a night out, the late evening is the hours when the pub is vibing but it is still too early to go to a club.
The first stage of the night is Winddown. At home, this is the period when one feels one ought to go to bed soon but into which it is not unusual to stay up - for Clarence this is around 10:30 pm to 3 am, whereas for Their Holiness it is more like 9 pm to 11.30! When one is out on the town, the Winddown is the time when one switches from the pub to the club, or what Robert calls 'Night Walk territory'.
Next come the Crispy Hours. This is the part where most houses are sleeping but the city centre is still busy with people, often leaving clubs and searching for food. The Crispy Hours come late in Leeds where the clubs are usually busy until at least 3 am and do not close until 4 am.
The silent span of night is called Starquiet - after the Crispy Hours but before Psycho's Morn, when one who has stayed up this late starts to find themselves overlapping with the first productive and dilligent psychopaths getting out of bed to go for a run or murder sane evening people.
Just as tuned to our daily chaos as the ten phases of the day are two new scales for reporting how hard one is working and how badly one's work is going. The "fux" scale captures the number of "fucks-given":
One fuck-given (1 fux) means that the person is actively procrastinating or avoiding the work and feels only a mild compulsion to get going;
Two fucks-given (2 fux) means that the person is loosely getting on with their work but is happy to be distracted regularly, or that they are well-focused but is able to maintain conversation whilst working;
Three fucks-given (3 fux) means that the person is reasonably focused on their work and would prefer to confine unrelated conversation to occasional remarks;
Four fucks-given (4 fux) means the person is working hard and would prefer not to be distracted;
Five fucks-given (5 fux) means the person has taken extraordinary and successful steps to ensure intense focus or is in an unusually dedicated and productive state of flow.
One sees a bright future for the fux scale in communicating LRC preferences. Just as useful, albeit perhaps in the # califell-courtyard instead, will be the ES-CON scale for work crises:
ES-CON V indicates a crisis at the approximate level that the work is on track but that one is concerned about the amount of work that is to be completed in quick succession or is afraid of a difficult question;
ES-CON IV indicates a crisis at the approximate level that the essay has fallen behind but there is still time to complete the reading and hand it in on time;
ES-CON III indicates a crisis at the approximate level that the essay is due by the end of the day and one feels shaky in one’s plan or has done insufficient reading, or that the essay is due tomorrow and the reading has not really been happening;
ES-CON II indicates a crisis at the approximate level that the essay is due by the end of the day and the reading has not been commenced, or that the essay is due in four hours or less and the writing has not been commenced; and
ES-CON I indicates a crisis at the approximate level that multiple essays are due within a short period and neither has the reading been commenced nor any progress been made, or that a particularly important essay, such as for an exam, has entered into a state of crisis with insufficient time before the deadline to complete it in the typical fashion.
The Act makes it law that human heights must be given in feet and inches - and at the urging of the First First Enby, horse heights must be given in hands - but human weight must be given in kilogrammes. Milk and beer shall be measured in pints, water shall be measured in millilitres, wine in glasses or bottles or centilitres, and fruit juice and all other quantities in litres. Speeds must be in miles per hour (and if you refuse to use leagues or okehamptons, then miles are preferable to kilometres).
Finally, the Act sets out a temperature scale for weather forecasting called Degrees Vibe, where 5 is average, zero is extremely cold, and 10 is extremely hot:
0 °V is equivalent to -10.5 °C to -6 °C.
1 °V is equivalent to -6 °C to 1.5 °C
2 °V is equivalent to -1.5 °C to 3 °C.
3 °V is equivalent to 3 °C to 7.5 °C.
4 °V is equivalent to 7.5 °C to 12 °C (Clarence's idea of a comfortable temperature).
A low 5 is equivalent to 12 °C to 13.5 °C.
A high 5 is equivalent to 14 °C to 16.5 °C (Ella's idea of a comfortable temperature).
6 °V is equivalent to 16.5 °C to 21 °C.
7 °V is equivalent to 21 °C to 25.5 °C.
8 °V is equivalent to 25.5 °C to 30 °C.
9 °V is equivalent to 30 °C to 34.5 °C.
10 °V is equivalent to 34.5 °C to 39 °C (no doubt Alex's idea of a cool winter morn).
It will take us all a while to get used to these measurements - but we trust that you will find them an interesting addition to our daily lives and a worthy way to make Glastieve more Glastieven.